Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Flaunt It

So I can't sleep.  I woke up around 4:30a, not exactly sure what's preventing my brain from relaxing and rejuvenating.  There are a lot of things happening in my life -- mostly good and exciting, but a lot of additional stress.  For the past couple of days I've felt a little lost.  A little bogged down from all the decisions and changes coming up.  Claustrophobic.  When I feel this way, I start doubting myself.  And then I feel very insecure because why should I doubt myself?  Didn't I process those feelings years ago?  I realize when I feel overwhelmed, my emotional outlet is to second-guess myself, which leads to a meta-analysis of me.  Another layer of second-guessing, I guess.  Like, I second-guess myself BECAUSE I'm second-guessing myself.  But then I calm down and take an honest look at me and my life, and all is well.

I'm not there yet.  I'm still on the what-the-hell-is-going-on bend in the road.  I wish I knew precisely what brings on this cycle.  It's not a regular, predictable cycle, so I can't put my finger on the trigger.  Is it a change in diet or exercise?  Or because I drank beer this weekend?  Is it that these feelings are always there, treading just below the surface, but usually I'm too busy being mommy and wifey and business manager to allow myself time to acknowledge them?  Yes and no, to all of them.

Yesterday I finally went for a run.  I canvassed 4.5 mi, at least 3 on the beach.  In deep powdery sand.  I should celebrate that, right?  I did, finally, after I finished my route.  While I was out there, however, I was beating myself up, feeling old, feeling broken down.  By the time I returned home, I felt a lot better and pshawed notions of being old or emotionally distressed.  Pshaw!  There, writing it down deserves a second scoffing.  Never underestimate the power of endorphins.

The rest of the day and evening went great.  Aside from normal toddler antics -- like, throwing a fit because she doesn't want to eat anymore black bean burger, but then SHE DOES, or she wants to climb on my back while I'm eating -- we had a lovely, nutritious dinner followed by a teeny bit of ice cream.  I didn't stay up too late, and went to bed happy.  At 4:30a, I was wide awake.  My mind buzzed with thoughts running the gamut, from excitement about Beach2Bay this weekend to impatience about getting our home to that next level of organization to questioning whether I want to continue my involvement with  Nothing resolved, I peeled myself off the bed and decided to spend some much-needed time writing...and sipping fresh brewed coffee.  Yum.

Epiphany!  Maybe this cycle is instigated by a yearning to express myself creatively, compounded with needs to take care of myself and have a sliver of time each day alone.  All my own.  If I have my 'healthy' outlets -- writing, running and reading -- then I'm fortified against the stressors Life sometimes throws my way.

I was on facebook before beginning to write this post.  One of my friends posted her horoscope, and although I usually ignore that sort of thing, decided to look up mine for a little light-hearted amusement.  Apparently today my love life is at 100% (no kidding!), money is only about 20% (another big duh).  But the narrative itself was interesting...and I guess a little motivating?  I'm paraphrasing, but "The Stars" are telling me that I'm having only a minor setback in my confidence about my creativity and, in general, my life.  Today I should take inventory of my talents, then flaunt them.  I should put everything I have out there and enjoy the accolades.  Giant leap from feeling lost to strutting, but I will give it a try.

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