Really I don't need your help. This isn't an emergency, just a cry for help from my editor-brain to write a little less like Hawthorne, and more like...like...Hemingway, maybe? In other words: get to the point, Christy! Trying to do that in the wee hours of the morning is more difficult than I had thought. Will.keep.trying.
So why am I here today at 5:30pm instead of am? My little angel has been napping for a few hours and is still asleep. Yes, yes, I know. We'll be up all night now, but I figured she must still be catching up on sleep from her big birthday weekend. Maybe I'll regret later my decision to let her sleep as long as she wants. In the meantime, I've caught up on a bunch of work (ha, not housework) and have a sec to post.
I've written it before and it bears repeating. My blog posts (and occasionally my private journal entries) tend to circle my point but never get to it. It's as if I'm avoiding the point, or maybe avoiding spelling it out explicitly, hoping you find it on your own. This isn't a treasure hunt, though, is it? So why do I struggle with getting to the point? Fear.
There, I said it. Fear. Fear that by stating my point plainly I expose my most personal thoughts or feelings -- or worse, vulnerabilities. I peel back all the layers of the onion, leaving only the most delicate and sweetest part of my soul. The place where people can really hurt me. My fear is holding me back from writing well, I know that. No more.
Breathe, Christy. Put it out there. You will never know where this path is leading you if you don't lace up your boots.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Almost Raw
For about a year I have eaten a diet that's approximately 50% raw. Basically, I eat uncooked meals until dinner when I have one cooked meal. For the past few weeks I have gradually incorporated more and more raw and living foods as I build up to February 1st. For 30 days I will eat nothing but raw and living foods. I will document the experience here, oh yes I will.
So far, I have noticed a lot of emotional shaking up of things. I have relived a lot of moments, most good but some bad. Travelling through time back to what I have always thought were simpler days -- The Nashville Years -- has been especially profound. I have reconnected finally with old classmates and neighborhood friends from the first twelve years of my life. A geyser of memories has erupted and flooded my thoughts the past few days. For example, I remember one neighbor who confided in me that her step-father was molesting her. Carrying that knowledge around, I was nauseous for days because I had promised I would not tell anyone. But I really needed to talk about it. Even now, writing this, I feel that awful twisting sensation in my stomach. That poor girl...eventually her mother left him and they moved away. I hope that she was able to get the support she needed to move on with her.
In that same family, the step-father abused the mother. She seemed to always have a black eye or a bandage on her hand. One time I was sitting on their front porch playing with girl mentioned above, when the door flung open and the mother stepped out, bleeding and screaming, with her screaming 2-year-old in her arms. The baby's head had a huge knot on it. Later I was told that the husband hit the wife as she was picking up the baby, and she fell forward bumping her head on the bed. Not sure if that's what really happened...anyway, the mother screamed for me to take the baby and run. I took both girls and ran down the street to a neighbor's playhouse. We hid in their for what seemed hours. I calmed them both down and distracted them by playing games. I was about 10 years old.
My heart is racing. There are so many distressing memories coming back to me, I wonder why I have always thought of that point in my life as "happy"? I guess for the most part it was, but these disturbing events were really too much for a little girl to observe.
Maybe as I travel along this authenticity path I'm seeing some things as they truly are, for the first time. Eating raw food has kept me from consoling myself with comfort foods that sort-of mask, or mediate the discomfort of reliving such moments. Whatever the emotion, I'm feeling it...raw.
Currently I'm eating a diet that's 75-80% raw. Upon rising, I sip a cup of coffee (not part of a raw diet, and one thing I will miss during the 30 day challenge!) Then I make a smoothie using fresh fruits and fresh-squeezed fruit juice, water and ice (no dairy.) Mid-morning I start on veggie juices. First, a blend of cucumber, carrot, apple and red bell pepper. Then another consisting of apple, carrot and ginger. Finally I finish off the juices around mid-afternoon with greens and an apple, or carrot, celery and apple. When Sage gets up from her nap we have nuts and seeds and dried fruit, usually. Dinner is our cooked meal (for now.) Tuna steaks with rice; chicken with pasta; turkey burgers with rice or chicken; black beans and rice with cheese; or pizza. I'll still make these meals for her during my 30-day-raw challenge.
I'm really looking forward to February. It's exciting to think about all the changes that may come from this kind of "detoxing"!
So far, I have noticed a lot of emotional shaking up of things. I have relived a lot of moments, most good but some bad. Travelling through time back to what I have always thought were simpler days -- The Nashville Years -- has been especially profound. I have reconnected finally with old classmates and neighborhood friends from the first twelve years of my life. A geyser of memories has erupted and flooded my thoughts the past few days. For example, I remember one neighbor who confided in me that her step-father was molesting her. Carrying that knowledge around, I was nauseous for days because I had promised I would not tell anyone. But I really needed to talk about it. Even now, writing this, I feel that awful twisting sensation in my stomach. That poor girl...eventually her mother left him and they moved away. I hope that she was able to get the support she needed to move on with her.
In that same family, the step-father abused the mother. She seemed to always have a black eye or a bandage on her hand. One time I was sitting on their front porch playing with girl mentioned above, when the door flung open and the mother stepped out, bleeding and screaming, with her screaming 2-year-old in her arms. The baby's head had a huge knot on it. Later I was told that the husband hit the wife as she was picking up the baby, and she fell forward bumping her head on the bed. Not sure if that's what really happened...anyway, the mother screamed for me to take the baby and run. I took both girls and ran down the street to a neighbor's playhouse. We hid in their for what seemed hours. I calmed them both down and distracted them by playing games. I was about 10 years old.
My heart is racing. There are so many distressing memories coming back to me, I wonder why I have always thought of that point in my life as "happy"? I guess for the most part it was, but these disturbing events were really too much for a little girl to observe.
Maybe as I travel along this authenticity path I'm seeing some things as they truly are, for the first time. Eating raw food has kept me from consoling myself with comfort foods that sort-of mask, or mediate the discomfort of reliving such moments. Whatever the emotion, I'm feeling it...raw.
Currently I'm eating a diet that's 75-80% raw. Upon rising, I sip a cup of coffee (not part of a raw diet, and one thing I will miss during the 30 day challenge!) Then I make a smoothie using fresh fruits and fresh-squeezed fruit juice, water and ice (no dairy.) Mid-morning I start on veggie juices. First, a blend of cucumber, carrot, apple and red bell pepper. Then another consisting of apple, carrot and ginger. Finally I finish off the juices around mid-afternoon with greens and an apple, or carrot, celery and apple. When Sage gets up from her nap we have nuts and seeds and dried fruit, usually. Dinner is our cooked meal (for now.) Tuna steaks with rice; chicken with pasta; turkey burgers with rice or chicken; black beans and rice with cheese; or pizza. I'll still make these meals for her during my 30-day-raw challenge.
I'm really looking forward to February. It's exciting to think about all the changes that may come from this kind of "detoxing"!
Daring to Dream
Recently I read that we must dream about success in order to achieve it. Painting a clear mental picture of the life we desire -- how we want to look, to be, to live -- subconsciously prepares us for it.
It's my nature to strike up conversations with total strangers. I meet people everywhere I go...and sadly I seldom meet anyone who is really living. By "really living" I mean constantly setting goals and striving toward them, through obstacles, and challenging oneself to learn more, to BE more. Living, to me, is exhilarating. Almost everyday I leap out of bed, thrilled to get my day started, to experience life simply but profoundly.
Many people drag themselves through each day. They are unhappy with their life; they feel unsuccessful. At some point along their path they have lost hope in their dreams. Or worse: they no longer dream. They followed a carrot to college immediately after high school, or they took a "good job". They got married, had some kids, at the "appropriate" age. Today they have seniority, their kids are almost grown; they might be grandparents. For many years they have taken their once-a-year, one week-vacation. They seem to be following their own proverbial carrot toward retirement and, ultimately, death. They do not seem to be in charge of their life. Some are miserable, some merely complacent. All seem to be overwhelmed by life.
I see most people as that doughnut-making character in the 80s-era Dunkin Donuts commercials: "Time to make the doughnuts, the doughnuts, the doughnuts..." Always working, always serving someone else's needs at the expense of their own...
There are very few choices I regret. Overall I am grateful I have chosen to live an authentic life, the life I was supposed to live, not the life others told me I should live. I have never lived according to some arbitrary timeline. Most people do. They are trapped by others' expectations...they have to go to University A, or work for Company B, or live in Subdivision C. They derive their self-worth from competing with and, they hope, outdoing their friends and neighbors. Not me. A long time ago I plucked myself from that hamster wheel because it just didn't feel right for me. I saw that type of competition as merely a preoccupation, an activity to distract me from really living.
I do not consider myself a better person than most because I am my own person. I consider myself fortunate. Liberated. At just the right moment, when I was floundering to find my way, I was encouraged to think beyond convention. I was given support --FREEDOM -- to explore the bounties of life and to find my path toward garnering these riches. I was taught to dream.
Permitting oneself to dream is simple. It is an essential component of really living. So why do we stop? Why do we give up the one thing that allows us to really live, the thing that guides us toward being the most genuine and best version of ourselves? Dreaming makes us better spouses, parents, friends, co-workers, neighbors...INDIVIDUALS. It's free! Our cultural pattern is to give up on our dreams by a certain age, to "grow up", to "be normal."
If most people are grown-up normal people, I'm happy to be immature and abnormal. I'll gladly keep dreaming about a better life tomorrow while feeling happy about my great life today. Perhaps someday my path will cross that of someone looking for direction, and I'll teach her to dream. I'll encourage her to discover happiness by really living.
Do you dream? What do you see in your dreams? What are you doing now to prepare you for realizing your dreams? Are you happy?
It's my nature to strike up conversations with total strangers. I meet people everywhere I go...and sadly I seldom meet anyone who is really living. By "really living" I mean constantly setting goals and striving toward them, through obstacles, and challenging oneself to learn more, to BE more. Living, to me, is exhilarating. Almost everyday I leap out of bed, thrilled to get my day started, to experience life simply but profoundly.
Many people drag themselves through each day. They are unhappy with their life; they feel unsuccessful. At some point along their path they have lost hope in their dreams. Or worse: they no longer dream. They followed a carrot to college immediately after high school, or they took a "good job". They got married, had some kids, at the "appropriate" age. Today they have seniority, their kids are almost grown; they might be grandparents. For many years they have taken their once-a-year, one week-vacation. They seem to be following their own proverbial carrot toward retirement and, ultimately, death. They do not seem to be in charge of their life. Some are miserable, some merely complacent. All seem to be overwhelmed by life.
I see most people as that doughnut-making character in the 80s-era Dunkin Donuts commercials: "Time to make the doughnuts, the doughnuts, the doughnuts..." Always working, always serving someone else's needs at the expense of their own...
There are very few choices I regret. Overall I am grateful I have chosen to live an authentic life, the life I was supposed to live, not the life others told me I should live. I have never lived according to some arbitrary timeline. Most people do. They are trapped by others' expectations...they have to go to University A, or work for Company B, or live in Subdivision C. They derive their self-worth from competing with and, they hope, outdoing their friends and neighbors. Not me. A long time ago I plucked myself from that hamster wheel because it just didn't feel right for me. I saw that type of competition as merely a preoccupation, an activity to distract me from really living.
I do not consider myself a better person than most because I am my own person. I consider myself fortunate. Liberated. At just the right moment, when I was floundering to find my way, I was encouraged to think beyond convention. I was given support --FREEDOM -- to explore the bounties of life and to find my path toward garnering these riches. I was taught to dream.
Permitting oneself to dream is simple. It is an essential component of really living. So why do we stop? Why do we give up the one thing that allows us to really live, the thing that guides us toward being the most genuine and best version of ourselves? Dreaming makes us better spouses, parents, friends, co-workers, neighbors...INDIVIDUALS. It's free! Our cultural pattern is to give up on our dreams by a certain age, to "grow up", to "be normal."
If most people are grown-up normal people, I'm happy to be immature and abnormal. I'll gladly keep dreaming about a better life tomorrow while feeling happy about my great life today. Perhaps someday my path will cross that of someone looking for direction, and I'll teach her to dream. I'll encourage her to discover happiness by really living.
Do you dream? What do you see in your dreams? What are you doing now to prepare you for realizing your dreams? Are you happy?
Monday, January 25, 2010
Simplify, simplify
We are finally finishing up this round of purge, clean and organize around here. I had to press really hard but finally the job is getting done. Now that our home is in order, I can move on to simplifying other areas of my life.
Often we think of living simply is doing without. Totally the opposite. When you live simply, you have so much more! More time. You spend less time accumulating "stuff", so you have less stuff to maintain. Instead of shopping, purging, cleaning and organizing all the time, you will have more time to do things that really matter. Reading or journalling, for example. Sipping a cup of tea and watching the wind dance in the curtains. Cuddling with your spouse while watching the sunrise.
By living simply you also have more money. Yes, absolutely. You will not be accumulating stuff, so your money can be saved and invested to make more money. Or you can take that trip you've been dreaming of, or treat yourself to a day at a spa. For my money, I prefer to splurge on experiences, memories I can cling to for a lifetime, rather than a new outfit or pair of boots or table linens. Stuff goes out of style or becomes too worn; experiences are timeless.
Often people ask why we moved to Corpus Christi when clearly our business is in the Dallas area. They look confused when I tell them we live at the beach and work in Dallas. When you simplify your life, including your work, you have the freedom to consider creative solutions. For example, 2006 was an explosive year for NativeDave.com. Until then, we offered complete landscape services, from consultation and design, to installation and maintenance. An historic drought wiped out many of the "traditional" landscapes in the Dallas-Ft. Worth-Denton area. People looked to us for solutions; they wanted a landscape that would survive whatever Mother Nature threw our way. Suddenly we found ourselves transitioning from a niche business with a very specific clientele to one with more mainstream appeal. We had so many new clients we were scheduling meetings well into the next year. Pandemonium.
By Thanksgiving, we were spent. Completely. Our business was doing fabulous but our relationship was beginning to suffer. We weren't taking care of ourselves, our marriage, our home, or any of our relationships with family or friends. That winter we decided to phase out installations and maintenance -- the labor-intensive services -- and focus on our intellectual property. Our unique education and experience set us apart from all others in our target markets. Further, our goal in starting this business was not to be the biggest landscape company in Texas -- no. From the beginning we knew that what motivates us is the ability to change the world for good, starting in our own front and back yards. One slice at a time we wanted to restore Texas' natural beauty by teaching homeowners about native plants and responsible resource management.
Our plan to simplify our work life so that we may reignite our personal life worked. Simplifying, but not necessarily reducing, our workload has been the key to adapting to life with a newborn then infant and now toddler. We have survived the economic crisis. Barely, LOL. On every level and in every sphere of our life, we are paring away clutter to allow simplicity to guide us. We are happy, truly happy. And being happy makes us better business owners, much better spouses and parents to our little beach girl. 2010 has begun with promise. Living simply has given me more than I could ever imagine.
Often we think of living simply is doing without. Totally the opposite. When you live simply, you have so much more! More time. You spend less time accumulating "stuff", so you have less stuff to maintain. Instead of shopping, purging, cleaning and organizing all the time, you will have more time to do things that really matter. Reading or journalling, for example. Sipping a cup of tea and watching the wind dance in the curtains. Cuddling with your spouse while watching the sunrise.
By living simply you also have more money. Yes, absolutely. You will not be accumulating stuff, so your money can be saved and invested to make more money. Or you can take that trip you've been dreaming of, or treat yourself to a day at a spa. For my money, I prefer to splurge on experiences, memories I can cling to for a lifetime, rather than a new outfit or pair of boots or table linens. Stuff goes out of style or becomes too worn; experiences are timeless.
Often people ask why we moved to Corpus Christi when clearly our business is in the Dallas area. They look confused when I tell them we live at the beach and work in Dallas. When you simplify your life, including your work, you have the freedom to consider creative solutions. For example, 2006 was an explosive year for NativeDave.com. Until then, we offered complete landscape services, from consultation and design, to installation and maintenance. An historic drought wiped out many of the "traditional" landscapes in the Dallas-Ft. Worth-Denton area. People looked to us for solutions; they wanted a landscape that would survive whatever Mother Nature threw our way. Suddenly we found ourselves transitioning from a niche business with a very specific clientele to one with more mainstream appeal. We had so many new clients we were scheduling meetings well into the next year. Pandemonium.
By Thanksgiving, we were spent. Completely. Our business was doing fabulous but our relationship was beginning to suffer. We weren't taking care of ourselves, our marriage, our home, or any of our relationships with family or friends. That winter we decided to phase out installations and maintenance -- the labor-intensive services -- and focus on our intellectual property. Our unique education and experience set us apart from all others in our target markets. Further, our goal in starting this business was not to be the biggest landscape company in Texas -- no. From the beginning we knew that what motivates us is the ability to change the world for good, starting in our own front and back yards. One slice at a time we wanted to restore Texas' natural beauty by teaching homeowners about native plants and responsible resource management.
Our plan to simplify our work life so that we may reignite our personal life worked. Simplifying, but not necessarily reducing, our workload has been the key to adapting to life with a newborn then infant and now toddler. We have survived the economic crisis. Barely, LOL. On every level and in every sphere of our life, we are paring away clutter to allow simplicity to guide us. We are happy, truly happy. And being happy makes us better business owners, much better spouses and parents to our little beach girl. 2010 has begun with promise. Living simply has given me more than I could ever imagine.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Consistent...so much to say
It has been a few days since my last blog. There are many topics I'd like to write about. Where do I begin?
First, an update on my striving toward consistency. As planned, I'm running three days a week, weight-training three days, and practicing yoga almost daily. My body feels fantastic. Increased activity is purging any extra 'baggage' I've been carrying around...emotionally as well as physically. Strange that a lot of old hurts have resurfaced. Apparently I didn't process them properly the first time around. Exorcising through exercising? I suppose, in a way, I'm reliving my life, trying to make sense of it all, so I can set it free. Set myself free, like a butterfly emerging from its cocoon. Time to leave that shell and fly. Time to celebrate today and remain hopeful about tomorrow.
One day this week I listened to Leonard Cohen while running. Usually when I run I don't carry an iPod because I don't want to be distracted by music; I want to hear the sounds of waves lapping the sandy beach, or seagulls laughing. I negotiated with myself: take the iPod but turn the volume down low enough that I can still hear the sounds of nature. With waves and gulls -- and other noises -- providing the backtrack, music sounds completely different now. And I'm running to music that makes me think, instead of motivating me to move my body. Think Bob Dylan instead of, I don't know, Lady Gaga. Ironically, I am running faster than I have in about a decade (maybe ever). So back to my point about LC...his lyrics are profound, his voice haunting. Background vocals are a bit too 60s-ish -- light and airy. (Ugh, think "To Sir With Love".) Together, though, they convey powerful messages, track after track. I was mesmerized -- and didn't notice whether the waves were "going off" or flat. I'm changed. I will always take music with me when I run.
Two LC tracks really affected me: "Last Year's Man" and "So long, Marianne." Man addresses social issues relative to the 60s but is relevant today, too. Especially the part about war. While listening to it I thought a lot about the cyclical nature of society, patterns that develop throughout history. Marianne also deals with social issues but is written in the context of a casual encounter between a man and a woman named Marianne. At least this is how I interpret it. When the song begins, it is the morning after their tryst. They are friends, or acquaintances, but not lovers. They are unsure what to say to each other now, so they part ways rather awkwardly. Maybe they feel ashamed, or confused. Ultimately they agree to "laugh and cry, cry and laugh about it all again." They have given themselves permission to let go. By listening to the song, I granted myself permission, too. Now I can say "so long, Marianne" to negative thoughts after I have processed them, rather than packing them away.
Back to "consistency"...I know, I'm taking a long time with this post today. That's consistent! :) Eating raw all day and a cooked meal at night, sometimes a raw meal, is preparing me for the "challenge." For 30 days I will eat nothing but fresh fruit and vegetables, soaked nuts and sprouted seeds and legumes, and a few gourmet raw meals. I have been vacillating about this, because a) I don't need to lose any weight and b) I'm afraid. (Wow, where did that come from?) Let's start with "a"...I'm 15 lbs lighter than my pre-pregnancy weight, a whopping 50 lbs less than the day I had Sage. My exercise regimen keeps the weight off and is beginning to build muscle; I will start gaining weight now. Totally OK with that. Now for "b"...hmm. What is it about eating raw that makes me feel afraid? (Hold on a sec, I'm thinking about this...) Oh yes, ding ding ding, we have a winner. And the answer is...fear of success! Welcome back, old friend. Another consistent moment...
On a superficial level, I fear that eating raw and living foods will feel so good and be so good for me, that I will want to give up cooked food forever. Although I have been about 50% raw for more than a year, and really enjoy eating this way, I still look forward to my evening comfort meal. My comfort food might taste better, but if raw really feels better, I will be ready to make the transition. On a deeper level, transitioning to a 100% raw and living lifestyle is symbolic of my new future. As excited as I am about these changes to come, I am a bit apprehensive about them. Whoa, this discussion about food is getting too deep. Maybe I'm not ready to analyze and accept my feelings about it yet. More to come, I'm sure.
Despite my absence here, I have been writing consistently in my journal. My super journal! I have combined all my journals into one place: personal journal, financial journal, exercise and diet journal, etc. My super journal helps me to keep track of my many roles. I love it! Writing in it frees my mind to dream...A lot of the things I've written about there have inspired ideas for this blog. But today's rambling mess was brought to you on fleet feet. In other words, I "wrote" this post while running yesterday.
My point today, then...yes, I do have one...is success is achieved, in part, through consistency. I have been consistent in running, eating well, and writing. The one area I am inconsistent is in the application of my fear of success. In business and writing, in marriage and motherhood, and every other part of my life I have embraced success. I expect it as inevitable. I'm not sure why eating raw foods makes me fearful...will give this more thought...consistently beating a dead horse. That's my girl.
First, an update on my striving toward consistency. As planned, I'm running three days a week, weight-training three days, and practicing yoga almost daily. My body feels fantastic. Increased activity is purging any extra 'baggage' I've been carrying around...emotionally as well as physically. Strange that a lot of old hurts have resurfaced. Apparently I didn't process them properly the first time around. Exorcising through exercising? I suppose, in a way, I'm reliving my life, trying to make sense of it all, so I can set it free. Set myself free, like a butterfly emerging from its cocoon. Time to leave that shell and fly. Time to celebrate today and remain hopeful about tomorrow.
One day this week I listened to Leonard Cohen while running. Usually when I run I don't carry an iPod because I don't want to be distracted by music; I want to hear the sounds of waves lapping the sandy beach, or seagulls laughing. I negotiated with myself: take the iPod but turn the volume down low enough that I can still hear the sounds of nature. With waves and gulls -- and other noises -- providing the backtrack, music sounds completely different now. And I'm running to music that makes me think, instead of motivating me to move my body. Think Bob Dylan instead of, I don't know, Lady Gaga. Ironically, I am running faster than I have in about a decade (maybe ever). So back to my point about LC...his lyrics are profound, his voice haunting. Background vocals are a bit too 60s-ish -- light and airy. (Ugh, think "To Sir With Love".) Together, though, they convey powerful messages, track after track. I was mesmerized -- and didn't notice whether the waves were "going off" or flat. I'm changed. I will always take music with me when I run.
Two LC tracks really affected me: "Last Year's Man" and "So long, Marianne." Man addresses social issues relative to the 60s but is relevant today, too. Especially the part about war. While listening to it I thought a lot about the cyclical nature of society, patterns that develop throughout history. Marianne also deals with social issues but is written in the context of a casual encounter between a man and a woman named Marianne. At least this is how I interpret it. When the song begins, it is the morning after their tryst. They are friends, or acquaintances, but not lovers. They are unsure what to say to each other now, so they part ways rather awkwardly. Maybe they feel ashamed, or confused. Ultimately they agree to "laugh and cry, cry and laugh about it all again." They have given themselves permission to let go. By listening to the song, I granted myself permission, too. Now I can say "so long, Marianne" to negative thoughts after I have processed them, rather than packing them away.
Back to "consistency"...I know, I'm taking a long time with this post today. That's consistent! :) Eating raw all day and a cooked meal at night, sometimes a raw meal, is preparing me for the "challenge." For 30 days I will eat nothing but fresh fruit and vegetables, soaked nuts and sprouted seeds and legumes, and a few gourmet raw meals. I have been vacillating about this, because a) I don't need to lose any weight and b) I'm afraid. (Wow, where did that come from?) Let's start with "a"...I'm 15 lbs lighter than my pre-pregnancy weight, a whopping 50 lbs less than the day I had Sage. My exercise regimen keeps the weight off and is beginning to build muscle; I will start gaining weight now. Totally OK with that. Now for "b"...hmm. What is it about eating raw that makes me feel afraid? (Hold on a sec, I'm thinking about this...) Oh yes, ding ding ding, we have a winner. And the answer is...fear of success! Welcome back, old friend. Another consistent moment...
On a superficial level, I fear that eating raw and living foods will feel so good and be so good for me, that I will want to give up cooked food forever. Although I have been about 50% raw for more than a year, and really enjoy eating this way, I still look forward to my evening comfort meal. My comfort food might taste better, but if raw really feels better, I will be ready to make the transition. On a deeper level, transitioning to a 100% raw and living lifestyle is symbolic of my new future. As excited as I am about these changes to come, I am a bit apprehensive about them. Whoa, this discussion about food is getting too deep. Maybe I'm not ready to analyze and accept my feelings about it yet. More to come, I'm sure.
Despite my absence here, I have been writing consistently in my journal. My super journal! I have combined all my journals into one place: personal journal, financial journal, exercise and diet journal, etc. My super journal helps me to keep track of my many roles. I love it! Writing in it frees my mind to dream...A lot of the things I've written about there have inspired ideas for this blog. But today's rambling mess was brought to you on fleet feet. In other words, I "wrote" this post while running yesterday.
My point today, then...yes, I do have one...is success is achieved, in part, through consistency. I have been consistent in running, eating well, and writing. The one area I am inconsistent is in the application of my fear of success. In business and writing, in marriage and motherhood, and every other part of my life I have embraced success. I expect it as inevitable. I'm not sure why eating raw foods makes me fearful...will give this more thought...consistently beating a dead horse. That's my girl.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Raw shopping
Today is produce-shopping day. I really want Sage to embrace more of the raw meals so I'm taking her with me. You know, let her pick fruits and vegetables that appeal to her. First, we'll hit the Southside Farmers Market for organic greens and sprouts. It's a small group of vendors, but unlike a lot of big city markets, the vendors actually grow their produce. Seasonal fruits and veggies primarily, and more. One vendor brings a variety of fresh herbs; this week she will also have pecans! Other booths: origami jewelry, salsa, ornamental plants (sadly, no natives...yet ;-), how-to book publishing, crafts, etc. If you live in the Corpus Christi area and would like to shop locally and seasonally, check out the market's website: http://farmersmarketcc.org/. Click on "Market Report" for a listing of this week's offerings. See you there!
Friday, January 15, 2010
Get into shape -- no excuses!
Looking to get into shape or maintain fitness but are pregnant or a new mom? Or you have small kids? No need to join an expensive health club or hire a sitter. There is a terrific company called Stroller Strides, an outdoor fitness program for mommy and baby or older little ones. Invest in a good baby jogger -- BOB is the company's official stroller -- and running shoes. You will get a good workout for an hour, and set a positive example for your child. After class, moms and kiddos often hang around the playground or go to other venues for playdates. Fees are very reasonable, and you and your child will make a slew of new friends.
In Corpus Christi area check out http://corpuschrististrollerstrides.blogspot.com/. To find Stroller Strides in your area, go to http://www.strollerstrides.com/ and click on the Locations tab.
On a personal note...Sage and I really enjoyed Stroller Strides. We met a lot of friendly people and learned a lot from them. Since I have been running more and incorporating weight-training and yoga at home, and am working again (part-time), we no longer attend SS classes. But we will still participate in their group activities! It's a terrific group!
In Corpus Christi area check out http://corpuschrististrollerstrides.blogspot.com/. To find Stroller Strides in your area, go to http://www.strollerstrides.com/ and click on the Locations tab.
On a personal note...Sage and I really enjoyed Stroller Strides. We met a lot of friendly people and learned a lot from them. Since I have been running more and incorporating weight-training and yoga at home, and am working again (part-time), we no longer attend SS classes. But we will still participate in their group activities! It's a terrific group!
Yesterday...
all my troubles seemed so far away. Writing and yoga in the morning -- and a little less caffeine. During Sage's naptime I trained with hand weights, cleaned house, prepped food for lunch and dinner. Early evening we went to the beach to let Sage and Folsom run around. Afternoon temps had been in the 60s and it was sunny, but by early evening cold and rainy conditions had swept over the beach. Nobody felt much like playing.
I felt exhausted by Sage's bedtime and fell asleep reading to her. I dozed off and on, and then woke up about midnight and dragged myself into my bed. Walking around the house I noticed I didn't feel well. I still feel a little strange this morning but can't pinpoint what is different. Hmm.
I felt exhausted by Sage's bedtime and fell asleep reading to her. I dozed off and on, and then woke up about midnight and dragged myself into my bed. Walking around the house I noticed I didn't feel well. I still feel a little strange this morning but can't pinpoint what is different. Hmm.
Brevity
Once upon a time, when I wrote, I would get to the point. Back in my teaching days I belabored the call to be "precise, concise, and clear," a command from one of my college Spanish professors. (Imagine a short and round, but very powerful looking Latina, storming around the classroom, pounding a yardstick on the wooden floor to emphasize her words: preciso, conciso, y con claridad!) But now...my pre-baby brain is only returning from hiatus. It will take a while to get my writing groove back.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Committed
Yesterday started out great: I woke up early eager to start my day by writing. And sipping coffee. While I carefully measured out my favorite blend, Cafe du Monde, I began to think about the post I was about to write. I guess I lost track of the number of scoops. Whoa -- that was some lethal concoction. After rocketing on caffeine most of the morning, by noon I had fallen into irritability. Sage fought naptime viciously; I could feel myself growing impatient and annoyed. Finally she cooperated and happily drifted into slumber. But I had been screamed at for an hour -- the damage was done. Rattled and recuperating from a caffeine overload, I decided to go for a run in the two conditions I always avoid: cold and rainy.
Because I see no reason to force oneself to run in miserable weather I do not own running pants or rain gear. Not even a knit hat, gloves or scarf. Give me 100 degrees and 100% humidity, and I'll run all day. Anything below 50 is torturous. Add in rain or -- eegads, do I dare mention it? -- SNOW and I'll keep my wimpy self inside with a cup of steaming coffee, thankyouverymuch. Dressing yesterday for what would be My Worst Nightmare (at least in terms of running) was comical, to say the least. I found a set of black nylon longjohns my mom gave me for Christmas several years ago. There, layer one. Completely inflexible and penetrable by moisture but at least I would feel warm. Layer two: shorts and long-sleeve running shirt. Perfect. I borrowed David's rain jacket, which hangs down to the middle of my thighs. I looked silly, like a child dressing up in her mother's clothes. (Cute for little girls, silly for grown women!) Nevermind my appearance, or the fact that only one-third of my layers was actually intended for sport. I was going to get out of my asylum of a house, burn off some caffeine (and, I hoped, some crankiness) and do something good for myself.
Note to self: "Mother's Little Helper" and "19th Nervous Breakdown" should never be listened to if you are tempted by the former and on the verge of the latter. (LOL.)
The weather was, as expected, miserable. It was cold and felt colder in the Gulf Breeze. Raindrops felt like needles injecting ice into my quads. I could hardly see through the barrage of wind and water. Plus, I was a little too toasty under all the layers. The rain jacket seemed to get heavier and heavier, sinking me into the sand. Am I crazy? I asked myself. I must be.
Despite all this, I continued to run and think and pre-write. My body held up pretty well, even seemed to enjoy the challenge. My mind and soul, too. I had begun this short journey feeling stressed out and completely turned off by weather conditions, but quickly my mood improved. I felt triumphant, committed. I had stuck with my plan to run regardless of the day's obstacles.
Back at home, I greeted David, all smiles. He must think running is magical, because it certainly transformed me yesterday. (Sorry for snapping at you, dear.) My body felt great! I had purged the morning's demons and was ready to resume my day.
Funny, isn't it? Sometimes we think we don't like something -- a particular food, running in rainy weather, etc. But then we try it, and it's not so bad after all. Or we commit to making positive changes in our community, but give up because it seems impossible. Believe me, starting a sustainable landscape business in 2001 in the Dallas area -- a market not exactly touted as a green-friendly one -- was not easy. Crazy, some people said. We did it, and despite the challenges, grew NativeDave.com into a thriving green business. Building a niche business in a highly competitive market required a lot of time and patience...and we had no money. Times were really tough, as the saying goes. To be honest, I threatened to "fire myself" many times along the way. We remained true to our mission, however, and eventually our commitment paid off.
Now that my focus has shifted to making positive changes in myself, I won't give up just because the weather is nasty. Or I'm flying high on caffeine and can't think clearly. Or I'm tired and sore, need to clean the kitchen, want to start reading that book sitting on the shelf for a long time...I have fulfilled one short-term goal today; I have posted to this blog. Now it's on to others that, cumulatively, will guide me toward a better Me.
Sunrise!
Because I see no reason to force oneself to run in miserable weather I do not own running pants or rain gear. Not even a knit hat, gloves or scarf. Give me 100 degrees and 100% humidity, and I'll run all day. Anything below 50 is torturous. Add in rain or -- eegads, do I dare mention it? -- SNOW and I'll keep my wimpy self inside with a cup of steaming coffee, thankyouverymuch. Dressing yesterday for what would be My Worst Nightmare (at least in terms of running) was comical, to say the least. I found a set of black nylon longjohns my mom gave me for Christmas several years ago. There, layer one. Completely inflexible and penetrable by moisture but at least I would feel warm. Layer two: shorts and long-sleeve running shirt. Perfect. I borrowed David's rain jacket, which hangs down to the middle of my thighs. I looked silly, like a child dressing up in her mother's clothes. (Cute for little girls, silly for grown women!) Nevermind my appearance, or the fact that only one-third of my layers was actually intended for sport. I was going to get out of my asylum of a house, burn off some caffeine (and, I hoped, some crankiness) and do something good for myself.
Note to self: "Mother's Little Helper" and "19th Nervous Breakdown" should never be listened to if you are tempted by the former and on the verge of the latter. (LOL.)
The weather was, as expected, miserable. It was cold and felt colder in the Gulf Breeze. Raindrops felt like needles injecting ice into my quads. I could hardly see through the barrage of wind and water. Plus, I was a little too toasty under all the layers. The rain jacket seemed to get heavier and heavier, sinking me into the sand. Am I crazy? I asked myself. I must be.
Despite all this, I continued to run and think and pre-write. My body held up pretty well, even seemed to enjoy the challenge. My mind and soul, too. I had begun this short journey feeling stressed out and completely turned off by weather conditions, but quickly my mood improved. I felt triumphant, committed. I had stuck with my plan to run regardless of the day's obstacles.
Back at home, I greeted David, all smiles. He must think running is magical, because it certainly transformed me yesterday. (Sorry for snapping at you, dear.) My body felt great! I had purged the morning's demons and was ready to resume my day.
Funny, isn't it? Sometimes we think we don't like something -- a particular food, running in rainy weather, etc. But then we try it, and it's not so bad after all. Or we commit to making positive changes in our community, but give up because it seems impossible. Believe me, starting a sustainable landscape business in 2001 in the Dallas area -- a market not exactly touted as a green-friendly one -- was not easy. Crazy, some people said. We did it, and despite the challenges, grew NativeDave.com into a thriving green business. Building a niche business in a highly competitive market required a lot of time and patience...and we had no money. Times were really tough, as the saying goes. To be honest, I threatened to "fire myself" many times along the way. We remained true to our mission, however, and eventually our commitment paid off.
Now that my focus has shifted to making positive changes in myself, I won't give up just because the weather is nasty. Or I'm flying high on caffeine and can't think clearly. Or I'm tired and sore, need to clean the kitchen, want to start reading that book sitting on the shelf for a long time...I have fulfilled one short-term goal today; I have posted to this blog. Now it's on to others that, cumulatively, will guide me toward a better Me.
Sunrise!
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Resolutions and family time
I made some very realistic, reasonable resolutions for 2010. Typically I intend to start new hobbies and I never seem to fit the new ones in with the old ones. This year, I decided to improve on my current hobbies instead of pursuing new ones. Invest my New Year energy in them. You know, follow through instead of jumping from hobby to hobby before I really start to enjoy them.
Running, for example, is something I've loved for many years. But I set unrealistic goals and too often I give up or go long periods of time (usually in winter!) without running. Consequently, I never get any faster because I'm always starting over. I always do too much, too soon, and end up injuring myself. More time off from running. And how can I even imagine running a marathon if I don't train properly? So I've changed my focus for 2010 with regard to running. Forget the longer distances for now and train to get really fast (relatively) at the 5K. I run farther than that on my training runs, so if I can trim my training time, I should do better in my next race. Realistic, reasonable and achievable.
How am I doing so far? Well, pretty well, actually. Monday I ran 3.4 mi in 38 min flat. Not breaking any records with that time, but it's a start. Today I'll run it again and try to finish a few seconds faster. As long as I run consistently, I will achieve my goals eventually.
I'm pursuing other goals more realistically, as well. Writing in my journal every day and here a few times per week is much more doable than striving to write the next Great American Novel. Now. Today. Better yet, last year. Too.much.STRESS. Unnecessary! Someday, perhaps, I will publish a novel or a non-fiction work about native plants or sustainable living or...whatever I'm interested in at the time. The point is, as long as I write consistently, I will reach those goals eventually.
So...I want to be a good wife and mother. These roles require vast investments of time. I don't want my hobbies or interests to take away time I could be spending with my family. But I need to make time for myself in order to be the best Me I can be. Solution? Run while Sage naps, and write in the morning before she wakes up. Everything else -- races, preparing raw meals, playing on the beach, and more -- we can do together. As a family. Resolved.
Running, for example, is something I've loved for many years. But I set unrealistic goals and too often I give up or go long periods of time (usually in winter!) without running. Consequently, I never get any faster because I'm always starting over. I always do too much, too soon, and end up injuring myself. More time off from running. And how can I even imagine running a marathon if I don't train properly? So I've changed my focus for 2010 with regard to running. Forget the longer distances for now and train to get really fast (relatively) at the 5K. I run farther than that on my training runs, so if I can trim my training time, I should do better in my next race. Realistic, reasonable and achievable.
How am I doing so far? Well, pretty well, actually. Monday I ran 3.4 mi in 38 min flat. Not breaking any records with that time, but it's a start. Today I'll run it again and try to finish a few seconds faster. As long as I run consistently, I will achieve my goals eventually.
I'm pursuing other goals more realistically, as well. Writing in my journal every day and here a few times per week is much more doable than striving to write the next Great American Novel. Now. Today. Better yet, last year. Too.much.STRESS. Unnecessary! Someday, perhaps, I will publish a novel or a non-fiction work about native plants or sustainable living or...whatever I'm interested in at the time. The point is, as long as I write consistently, I will reach those goals eventually.
So...I want to be a good wife and mother. These roles require vast investments of time. I don't want my hobbies or interests to take away time I could be spending with my family. But I need to make time for myself in order to be the best Me I can be. Solution? Run while Sage naps, and write in the morning before she wakes up. Everything else -- races, preparing raw meals, playing on the beach, and more -- we can do together. As a family. Resolved.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Hear Me
Yesterday my current stage of introspection and reflection ended. While I ran toward the beach, I was thinking about a passage I read recently in Simple Abundance, a book of daily meditations intended to help Modern Woman make sense of her life. In that passage the author asks herself and readers to consider what it is that makes her happy. She presses you to identify needs and wants separately, and then to pare down to the core of your happiness. I thought I knew the answer immediately and wrote about it in my personal journal. But for a couple of days I found myself going back to that passage, reviewing my priorities in terms of needs vs. wants. I kept asking myself, "Really, what do I need to make me happy?" My initial thoughts didn't quite get to the bottom-most layer of my being. As it usually does, running peels back the layers of thoughts piled up like lasagna in my mind. I listened to Ray Lamontagne on my iPod, my feet lighting in sync on the pavement, my entire body felt calmer and purer than, well, ever that I can remember. Odd, I thought. I looked ahead toward the beach...I saw the gently rolling waves...and windswept sand. I felt the chilly winter breeze blowing off the Gulf. Suddenly, instantaneously, I felt like I had broken through an inner emotional layer protecting the core of my being. Air rushed out of my lungs -- had I actually gasped? Tears hugged my eyes. What I discovered was not emotional but THAT I had discovered it was overwhelming. All my needs are being met, and most of my wants. After food, shelter and security, I need to be heard, understood and feel my ideas are respected. That's why I write, speak, and study languages (the more languages I speak, the more people I can talk with!) I feel my most complete when someone really "gets" me, and I feel invisible when they do not. Looking back, I have always been this way. I just never realized I would need to be understood in order to be happy. Yes, I need you to listen but I also need you to respect me, even if you disagree with my values. (Oh this explains so much!)
Now that I have made this Enormous Discovery, I feel my quest into the past 40 years has ended. For now, at least. Moving on. This thought popped into my mind yesterday as I rounded the corner to the homestretch: One can not look ahead until she looks back and understands where has been. My first 40 were packed with travel and adventure; achievements beyond my comprehension and failures I learned to learn from; love and friendship; finding soul-mates and painful losses; and so much more. I have now lived and relived my first 40. I'm ready to move forward and embrace new experiences, new Enormous Discoveries in the next 40+...and beyond!
Now that I have made this Enormous Discovery, I feel my quest into the past 40 years has ended. For now, at least. Moving on. This thought popped into my mind yesterday as I rounded the corner to the homestretch: One can not look ahead until she looks back and understands where has been. My first 40 were packed with travel and adventure; achievements beyond my comprehension and failures I learned to learn from; love and friendship; finding soul-mates and painful losses; and so much more. I have now lived and relived my first 40. I'm ready to move forward and embrace new experiences, new Enormous Discoveries in the next 40+...and beyond!
Friday, January 8, 2010
Simple Pleasures, Part One
Every morning I start my day by opening the living room blinds so I can watch the sunrise over the Gulf and dunes. It's like watching a moving postcard. I can't see the water but I know it's "right there" on the other side of the rolling white dunes. Typically a few seagulls laugh and circle our front yard, and Great Blue Herons and others make their daily pilgrimage from the Laguna Madre across the island and onto the beach. Our house is directly on their commute route, so often I'm startled by the Herons' loud squawk. We live in a quiet neighborhood where people are friendly but not intrusive. Well, most people are not. ;-)
After I open the blinds I make coffee, turn on the computers and open all the programs we will use today. Coffee done, I pour myself a cup and settle onto the couch facing the windows. Sometimes I'm alone and this house is quiet, except for the wind slapping windows and doors. Mostly it's just David and me, whispering so Sage will sleep just a bit longer. Folsom whines at the backdoor to go out, and then again to come in. Fickle dog.
This week I've added another step in my morning route. After I turn on the computers I stay in the office and write a little. I try to be quiet but typing -- even gently -- is just loud enough to wake up Sage. Sometimes. Other times, she sleeps through laughter and music and dogs barking. Today she is awake and giggling as she shuffles past the office -- she doesn't know I'm in here -- through the dining room and into the living room to tell David good morning. Sun's coming up in a few minutes. Coffee's ready. Folsom has been out and in and is snoozing on the couch. Sage and David are sitting next to him, reading. Time for me to join them and enjoy the simple pleasures that define our beach life.
After I open the blinds I make coffee, turn on the computers and open all the programs we will use today. Coffee done, I pour myself a cup and settle onto the couch facing the windows. Sometimes I'm alone and this house is quiet, except for the wind slapping windows and doors. Mostly it's just David and me, whispering so Sage will sleep just a bit longer. Folsom whines at the backdoor to go out, and then again to come in. Fickle dog.
This week I've added another step in my morning route. After I turn on the computers I stay in the office and write a little. I try to be quiet but typing -- even gently -- is just loud enough to wake up Sage. Sometimes. Other times, she sleeps through laughter and music and dogs barking. Today she is awake and giggling as she shuffles past the office -- she doesn't know I'm in here -- through the dining room and into the living room to tell David good morning. Sun's coming up in a few minutes. Coffee's ready. Folsom has been out and in and is snoozing on the couch. Sage and David are sitting next to him, reading. Time for me to join them and enjoy the simple pleasures that define our beach life.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
What is 'writerlust'?
It's a word I invented to describe my journey as a writer. Initially, I intended to use it in the context of writing only. Over time, though, I have discovered that writing is not something separate from 'Me.' It is vital to my existence, to the tapestry that is Christy. It is as essential to my life as...well, breathing. Inhale ideas, exhale art. So my little Shakespearean foray (the word-coining thing) has now expanded to include all facets of my journey, and will be discussed here in this blog.
In the German language there exists the word 'wanderlust', or a 'strong, innate desire to rove or travel about.' When I was a college student I spent about 5 weeks studying in Hannover, Germany, and became enamored with the country, language, culture, my heritage. Journalling took over my life while there and for months after my return. I guess I have never fully recovered from that experience. ;-) Actually, it changed my life forever and my 'strong, innate desire' to write intensified. (Maybe in another post I'll upload a pic of me writing while leaning against an enormous water feature in the center of a small German town.)
My journey continues...
In the German language there exists the word 'wanderlust', or a 'strong, innate desire to rove or travel about.' When I was a college student I spent about 5 weeks studying in Hannover, Germany, and became enamored with the country, language, culture, my heritage. Journalling took over my life while there and for months after my return. I guess I have never fully recovered from that experience. ;-) Actually, it changed my life forever and my 'strong, innate desire' to write intensified. (Maybe in another post I'll upload a pic of me writing while leaning against an enormous water feature in the center of a small German town.)
My journey continues...
Hey, a book review
Like many of you bibliophiles, I do not read one book at a time. In my 'reading space' -- which amounts to a chair and small stool used as a table, nothing more -- I have a stack of books that I read a little of each day. One is a book about natural home remedies (I'll review it later. So far, so interesting.) Another is my trusty journal. The cover is a beautifully colorful Southeast Asia theme. (A lovely birthday gift from The Best Brother In The World.) A piece of classic literature is there: The Odyssey. I must admit I have not yet started that one...so on to my new books that just arrived yesterday! Tools of the Mind was written for early childhood and primary school educators. I read about it in Po Bronson's Nurtureshock (a must read for any parent or parent-to-be!!!!!) Since we would like to homeschool Sage, I thought this book would be invaluable. More about it in another post...Living on Live Food by Alissa Cohen is changing my life. I'm stunned. This book is straight-forward and peppy, and simplifies raw and living food so that even a culinary novice like myself can understand. And become eager to eliminate cooked foods from her life forever. Seriously, this book has inspired me on so many levels, in so many ways. It arrived yesterday afternoon and by bedtime, somehow I had read 130 pages. And still managed my household. Took care of my little girl. Had time to talk with David...it's a quick and easy, and definitely motivating, read. I wanted to put down my book, immediately run into the kitchen and start tossing all the ingredients for our cooked meals. But being the frugal woman I am, I decided I would continue to feed my family these meals until we run out of ingredients, and then start replacing them with raw and live foods.
On the alissacohen.com website there is a 30-day going raw challenge. I did not ask, I told David and Sage that we would be accepting it. Fortunately, we are already about 50% raw, meaning we eat fresh (and some frozen) fruit all morning. Then we switch to 'solid' meals. Dinner is a cooked meal of lean meat, grains and veggies; this is usually our 'comfort food' meal and will be the most difficult to change. But I'm determined to get started Feb 1. Check back for the chronicles of that journey...
Should you go 100% raw? Entirely up to you. Not everyone wants to or can do that. But at least you can pick up the book, read through it, get inspired. Who knows, maybe even add one raw meal a day into your diet. And if you do make changes in your life, however small they seem at first, please let me know. I'd love to tag along on your journey, too.
On the alissacohen.com website there is a 30-day going raw challenge. I did not ask, I told David and Sage that we would be accepting it. Fortunately, we are already about 50% raw, meaning we eat fresh (and some frozen) fruit all morning. Then we switch to 'solid' meals. Dinner is a cooked meal of lean meat, grains and veggies; this is usually our 'comfort food' meal and will be the most difficult to change. But I'm determined to get started Feb 1. Check back for the chronicles of that journey...
Should you go 100% raw? Entirely up to you. Not everyone wants to or can do that. But at least you can pick up the book, read through it, get inspired. Who knows, maybe even add one raw meal a day into your diet. And if you do make changes in your life, however small they seem at first, please let me know. I'd love to tag along on your journey, too.
Changed my mind
Hard to believe, I know. ;-) As it turns out, I decided to keep the Island Ilfreys blog up for a while and simply refer readers here; there will be no further posts to that space. Confused? Let's grab a cup of coffee and meet back here soon.
Friday, January 1, 2010
New beginnings
My blog-life is breaking away from nativedave! Will transfer archived posts from the old blog, Island Ilfreys, tomorrow.
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